There is that special moment when two people click, rather than simply meet. Ori Brafman and Rom Brafman, Crown Business, $ (p). The following summary of Ori Brafman and Rom Brafman’s book ‘Click – The magic of instant connections’ is courtesy of Paul Arnold. The Book: Click: The Magic of Instant Connections by Ori Brafman and Rom Brafman, Broadway Books, $ Hardcover, Pages, June.
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Click – The magic of instant connections
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Summary of Ori Brafman and Rom Brafman’s book ‘Click – The magic of instant connections’
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Instead of calling it quits he brafmaan picclick, a visual way to search eBay at sea, plenty of fish and other sites. Today we are going to learn how to click with people. Before I fully introduce you Ori I want to tell people a quick story. Just the other day, I introduced a venture capitalist who said he backed the guy after just having a five brsfman conversation with him.
Of course I pushed the investor and I said, come on in five hours how do you make a decision? So I see this over and over in my interviews, people do business with each other because they click, they partner with each clikc because they click, they buy from each other, they invest in each other because they click not because of some rational decision making, because they click. So I want to learn how to do it, so with that in background, Ori, welcome to Mixergy.
Yeah, it seems the biggest surprise to me in terms of research invest is you think of love at first sight and you think Romeo and Juliet, right? You think teenagers who are so excited and go gaga for each other but really is there any substance there?
And it turns out when you look at couples twenty years later. Turns out that all the couples had as much, the longetivity of the relationship was the same. The biggest difference was that the couples who had love at first sight had much more passion in the relationship. The initial clicking, the initial instant connection if you will, define the tenure of the btafman for years and years to come and increased level of intimacy in the relationship and we think that the same thing happens when you look at so called plutonic love at first sight.
When you look at teams that work for example, teams that click together are much more efficient, much more effective, seventy percent much more so when you look at a group of MBAs for example when they are giving specific tasks to perform.
How To Click With People – with Ori Brafman – Mixergy
Stuff like admissions, requirements, things like that. And you have to wonder why is oir that these relationships formed at different times of tenure? And our theory is that you develop really a magical connection and magic is not a word that we use in business. But that when you think back at your magical experience to something very, very meaningful to you say in the last couple of years, when you think back at it, you actually feel those emotions again orri by reflecting back on those experiences and that couples who have that at the origin of their relationship, that have that magic connection, when they reflect back at those magical initial connection, it gives them more satisfaction in their relationship.
So I orii to ask you this, do you have an example of somebody who can create that click on command, who can create it intentionally? The first element is vulnerability, and this is completely counter true because we believe that in business the less vulnerable you are the more powerful you are and vulnerability usually equals weakness and yet when we are vulnerable with people, people return vulnerability clicj us.
I want to go through each of these five click accelerators as you call them in the book to make sure that I fully understand them.
The first one is, I might look a little weird. Imagine if Ori, I got on Skype with you and I said, Ori I am not a very good Andrew and sometimes my Skype goes out, so anyway, how are you doing today?
So there is actually a spectrum of vulnerability, you can talk about, you know you can get on Skype and say you bbrafman what, let me tell you about the issues about the relationships with my mother and of course that is going to push people away. But talking about the weather on the other extreme of the vulnerability is not brqfman to create a connection so if you wanted to for example if you need it to be like this you could say, I am really excite to see you here and you know I have to tell you that I am excited about this interview, I am just starting out and Skype is new to me so bear with me and I am really looking forward to continue the interview together.
You can actually be somewhere in the middle of that vulnerability continuum and often that builds a little bridge. If we are in business and we get in to a meeting with someone and we say, oh our website is still not doing so well, can we partner up. I got to work with professionals. Right and you know if you are admitting to me that your business is really crappy that no one likes you and that your bratman even disowned you then of course, no, that would be going too far.
And that also answers oti question I had earlier on, are there people who can do this deliberately and the hostage negotiator in you book, obviously he has to do this deliberately not only is his job on the line that he has to be able to deliberately connect with people, click with people and then turn them around but in many cases I think you said in the book, his life was on the line.
What if you are vulnerable and you say, oh my mother died last year too, to use the example that you gave and they come back to you with a fact or more commonly I think a solution, they say, oh what you need to do is read this book. I read this book. What you need to do is just learn think about the good times. Well, you really have to roll with the punches on that one.
At the time when we started I thought that she was being a little pushy and I said, come on woman understand I am exhausted and then afterwards I thought wow, this is just incredible to have somebody around who cannot just be you know my wife and not just be someone who I clicm about but be someone who can also help push out the best in me.
I am still friends with the guys that I did the group with and we might have different politics or our lives have gone different in the last ten years and yet we have that basis of that trust that we built. You also said in that class that I think it took four weeks to get to that point. It takes a long time because you have a bunch of consultants and bankers in the room.
The last thing they are going to do is talk to you, open up their soft spot to you. So here is a new answer I am understanding about brafmxn, about this fist click accelerator. You look for that opening and in some cases that opening is more available than in others. So that touchy feely class you took with those bankers and consultants, it was harder to start it off quickly and another case is the opportunity presents itself quicker.
When we are talking about ckick to really ensure that you click sooner, right? There is elements that you can take, there are specific strategies, specific factors that you can help control the click for actually happening so one is that you create an environment where people could share their vulnerability or that in an authentic way you are able to brafmman yourself and that just builds trust.
Alright, another way, I could spend by the way a whole hour with you on just vulnerability and frankly Ori I could spend a whole day talking to you.
This one I love just as much as I love the other two. What was the first one? I love it but I know, frankly I really could spend two hours with you kri but I know you got to move on, you got other interviews.
Second click accelerator is what? Second one is proximity, so this one initially sounds really obvious, right? What research has found out is that those last coick feet really, really matter and there was a study that was done at MIT dorms, and it was a series of dorms that were all brafmzn a line. It was the old school type of, just like a motel.
But the dorm assignments were completely random and what it turned out is that people tended to form relationships with the folks who live right next door. So again, that seems pretty common sense.
Here is brafmwn it gets weird, if you go just one door down, just nineteen feet more, the chances of you clicking with the other person go down by fifty percent.
Move another door down and the chances go down by fifty percent again. If you go down to the end of the hallway chances go down by half, if you go down to a different floor, it goes down tenfold, if you go down to a different building it changes, the chances are infinitesimal that you will actually collaborate together.
Even in these days when we have Skype, when we have email and we have phones, it really matters who you are sitting next to in terms of who you are going to form these connections with. The implications that we look at especially in business is the importance of actually showing up to meetings, to face to face meetings.
And the second scenario the women showed up to ten classes then stood to fifteen classes. The women who showed up to fifteen classes, were substantially more likely to be considered good looking, attractive, moral, approachable, just because we recognize someone, just because we, someone looks familiar to us, all of a sudden we are going to start liking them more. Make sure that you are sitting in the middle of things because people will recognize you and just by being recognized, just by multiple exposure to someone they are also going to like you better.
So, is it that we are shutting off the analytical portion of our brain or is this an important piece of data for us? Who we know how close we are.
We are social animals. So, resonance, we view it to as comprising of two things: And they feel better about themselves and they feel much better about their hospital visit so with whole presence is one thing. And the second thing is flow. And for flow, there is a Dr.
And he talks about one of the races he won way back when and just how he was able to know everything that would happen before it actually happened.
Combined presence and flow create resonance. Now, why is resonance important?
There is something called [neuromurons] neurons. And that if you see someone say they are lifting a big stack of books or something like that, your activity part of your brain actually lights up as well. The same thing happens when you see feeling coick emotion.
So, if you see someone feeling really sad, then your mirror neurons all of a sudden line up which is why some people cry during sad movies. And because they become a little more resonant themselves and it feels so good. The example that we looked at in the book is the audition process for law and order. I sat through two weeks… it was a lot of fun in New York, with the Executive Producer there. He interviews 7, people a year, auditions, 7, people a year. How able they are to be in the flow.
And as they are walking through an office they feel like this is their home and so you can see that they get into flow easier.
And so when they or into a job interview they are always a lri bit out of flow. How do you change it? How do you cause yourself to go in flow so that you can get the ogi of this Click Accelerator? How do you connect with people?
How do you try cclick be more present with people? And how do you really take a moment and understand what the other person is in an emotional way, in a broader level, just like we are trying to do here.
How do you tune in to that person? How do you have your radar on?